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Cape Falcon Kayak
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Saying goodbye to the shop

4/29/2015

25 Comments

 
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Well, fuck it. 

I suppose that's not a very professional way to start a post, but by all measures 2013-2015 shall hereby be known as the years that stuffed my whole life into a food processor and hit: Puree. 

There's no easy way to say this so I might as well have out with it, I came home earlier this month to discover that the big red barn that I rent for the Cape Falcon shop has been sold, and I have until the end of June to vacate.  It was an unexpected broadside during a year fraught with unpleasant surprises.  If you've been to this idyllic setting on the North Fork of the Nehalem river, just a few miles inland from the magical little coastal town of Manzanita, you understand just how truly special this place is.  12 years, hundreds of classes, nearly 1000 kayaks.  So many memories.  It's hard to believe that it's really over.

A week later I got a call from the neurologist, who informed me that my biopsy confirms that I do in fact have idiopathic autonomic neuropathy, (like I always said I did),  and not an anxiety disorder or psychosomatic illness, (like every doctor I've seen in the last 3 years has insisted).   With no real options for treatment aside from the drugs I'm already taking, this is one of those times when "I told you so." rings pretty hollow.  Right now what autonomic neuropathy means for me is that my heart rate, rhythm, intensity, and blood pressure is very unstable, hitting me the hardest while I sleep, leaving me feeling like I've been run over by a truck most of the time.  It's a nightmare inside of my chest.  I'm eating perfectly and taking as good of care of myself as possible, but from here it's pretty hard to know what to do. Alternative therapies of all types have shown little effect, and conventional medicine doesn't have a magic machine for repairing nerves or their corresponding control centers. Fortunately I'm still qualified for work as an international fashion model.


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So yeah, things aren't so great these days, and by all measures I should be devastated, but strangely, I'm actually doing better than you'd think.  I'm sure I've said this in a previous post, but pain changes you. It really pulls into sharp focus that now is truly all we ever have, and what I'm choosing to do is focus on things that are positive.  What I can do, not what I can't, and no matter how bad things get, never losing faith that I can somehow heal.

I've finally reached a point where I can walk on the beach and just feel appreciation for the incredible experiences I've had in the ocean, the wilderness, and on so many beautiful rivers.   Back at home I continue to work on the off-grid Airstream when my body is up for it.  Bright, and clean, this sustainable remodel has made this 1970's beast into a delightfully modern little place to live. 

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In the shop I'm still slowly building boats while I can, taking the last few commissions and winding things down.  It's weird to be in here without students, a little sad, but I'm trying to just sink my focus into the work at hand.  I just finished a beautiful guide boat and an F1 for a gentleman in San Francisco and delivered it in person, and then headed over to Nevada City to build a frame with a friend, a display piece for his house.  Until I can get back on my feet this might be what Cape Falcon Kayak looks like, creative, diversified, nomadic.

Another project I've started is my new creative website called Mind of Brian.  People tell me I'm a decent writer and I wanted a dedicated site where I could share stories, past adventures, and current insights.  It should be a fun ride, please subscribe!   Mind of Brian is also an umbrella site, a place to cleanly tie all of my creative projects together.  So there's some cool photos up, and links to everything else I do.  Also, to check out my latest photos you can follow me on instagram @capefalconkayak 
Because a farmer without a farm still needs to farm, on the not-exactly-my-home front I took it upon myself to lay waste to my girlfriends' useless sea of grass and transform it into seven big garden beds, ten different trees, ten blueberry bushes, and an herb spiral.  My job on the farm was always infrastructure so I'm enjoying learning the plant side of things.  I think I'm doing pretty good!   I'm especially proud of the repurposed kayak frames as pea trellises!  Right now everything is in full bloom and that gives me a huge amount of pleasure.
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...and now onto the big question, what's going to happen in the future?  I'm afraid I don't have much of an answer for that, but I'm trying to face it as fearlessly as I can.  I feel calm and focused, and intentional amidst all of the uncertainty.  One thing I do know for certain is that I have a LOT of shop to clean out, and that means selling a lot of kayaks.  Visit my new for sale page to see what's available, this could be a chance to pick up a used or new boat at a great deal.  After that the big tools go in storage and the small ones go in bins.  Give a lot of stuff away, try to sell the airstream.  (if you're interested in the Airstream lets talk)

As much as things are changing, things aren't ending by any means.  There is a lot of ways to grow the business that I've wanted to explore in the past, but haven't been able to due to my full work schedule. The impulse here is to start transforming Cape Falcon Kayak now with video projects, kits, and satellite classes, but right now is not the time for that.  My body is tired, and my nervous system is fried.  Neuropathies of unknown origin are hard, but not impossible to reverse, and on this long journey I've seen enough genuine medical miracles to consider medicine, both allopathic and alternative, to be only one form of healing. In all of this difficulty I've been through, that understanding has really been the silver lining. I've come to believe that the world we directly perceive is but a small portion of a much larger consciousness, and this perspective has given me an unshakeable trust in my own journey, as difficult as it is at times. 

In the farther future I'll be looking for investors and collaborators to help me create a much more integrated version of the workshop/homestead I'm leaving behind.  Using all of the knowledge I've gained to create a place where all of the food, water, waste, thermal, electrical, and use flows are integrated as tightly as possible.  A multi-purpose teaching space, and a sustainable living demonstration site.  I can see it so vividly in my mind.  Because I still have every intention of getting well, I see no harm in making connections and starting those discussions now about what the future of Cape Falcon Kayak can look like.  If that sounds like a project you'd be interested in collaborating on or investing in, drop me a line.

For now though, clean out the shop,  sell my stuff, throw some camping gear and few dozen books in my old Subaru, and try to find somewhere quiet and far away to rest and heal.  I know that's not much of a plan, but it's physically and financially what I can do in this moment.

Finally, for the most part I've always been too busy to take photos during class, but here is a random collection of photos I found from 12 years of teaching at the barn.  The time I spent here and all of the wonderful people I met along the way has been a privilege.  Thank you, to everyone who helped make this period of my life possible.

25 Comments
Seth Godin link
4/29/2015 01:31:16 am

Brian,

My heart is with you. You are a brave and powerful and generous soul, and artist in a world that needs artists.

Thank you for the work you do, for your honesty and for the herb garden.

Keep making magic, sir. If good wishes are helpful to your healing, here they are.

Seth

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John
4/29/2015 02:46:19 am

"Creative, diversified, nomadic" and still inspiring. Thank you!!

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Rosanna
4/29/2015 03:21:40 am

I am so sad to hear of the situation you find yourself in but I am hopeful that your courage and ingenuity will get you through the next phase of your life. Keep on fighting!

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Ryc Williamson
4/29/2015 05:43:34 am

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis confirming your thoughts. I am confident that you will heal from this. Charge right ahead, find the path, & do what you have to do...also ask for what help you need.
Good luck,
Ryc

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Jay
4/29/2015 06:34:40 am

was sad to hear of your hurdle. You seem to be taking this one with the same grace as your discipline. Admirable , I will be keeping an eye out for your success in this fight. Sending you warm thoughts . Jay

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Dan
4/29/2015 09:36:21 am

Strangely enough, One of the other guys who also rents space in the barn you use,stopped by where I work today (making SOF kayaks for a summer program for kids). Seeing my newly made west greenland kayak on my car, he thought you might be there. We got to talking and he told me the bad news about losing the barn. I'm really sorry to hear about that, especially being piled on top of your health problems!
I'll email you later about your mention of collaborating/investing on/in the future of Cape Falcon Kayaks. I'm DEFINITELY interested in doing so.
PS: if you need a place to stay temporarily, or need help in any way, let me know. I'll help out any way I am able!

Dan Numbers (LPB, Class of June, 2011)

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Owen Walton (Sydney Australia Class of 2010)
4/29/2015 09:38:00 pm

Best wishes from "Downunder".

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mike reeves
4/30/2015 02:13:36 am

Congrats.Bri! So things are changing,you have confirmation that you are not as crazy as some believed (sorry,hope it has not tarnished your reputation)Now maybe some more treatment doors will open for you and will get back to your old self faster than you imagine.So the barn is gone? It's a barn and when one barn door closes another will open.It must have been time for a change? I'm excited for you,can't wait to see what happens next! You certainly have been an inspiration to us paddle heads(I'm on my latest SOF project a Disko Bay theme boat) Keep on truck'n.Montana Mike

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David Graybeal link
4/30/2015 03:20:16 am

As a cancer survivor (throat)... I have some small inkling of what you're going through. It's taken me several years to regain enough strength to get Harbor Woodworks firing on all 3.5 cylinders again. Yours is tougher... because of the open-ended nature of any potential treatment plan. And sometimes... it's the lack of surety that is the most ennervating and debilitating. But all you can do is to keep pushing forward, and do the best you can. Know that you have the support and good wishes of lots of folks. We're all rooting for you. Thanks for keeping us appraised, and best wishes moving forward!

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Andrew E.
4/30/2015 10:21:54 am

Sorry to hear about the eviction, on top of everything else. I know it was on your radar, but I can't help thinking your neuropathy could be caused by Lyme disease. Even if you got a standard test, you might consider Igenex lab, which specializes in tick-borne diseases and can find evidence of Lyme when other tests fail. I look forward to seeing what form Cape Falcon Kayaks will take in the future.

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David Cantlin
6/13/2015 11:10:42 am

I agree with Andrew that your problem could be tick related. There are several other diseases attributed to ticks and I'm not confident the doctors are up to speed on the diagnosis. You spend so much time outdoors, especially in elk hunting (ticks!).

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jim
4/30/2015 10:40:24 am

Everything happens for a reason. Just trust in God.

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Dave
4/30/2015 11:27:50 am

Well damn, Brian. At least with the diagnosis, there is less uncertainty. In that area, a little finer focus. And with the others... new opportunities. I'm inspired by your calm and positive attitude. With help, you'll figure this stuff out. You will. And, cheers to having your toes in the beach sand again!

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Patrick Forrester link
4/30/2015 03:19:06 pm

I have always admired what you do & had really learning more about it on my bucket list. Keep your blog up.

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Rick Hayhoe
5/2/2015 04:14:58 pm

So the barn takes wing and flies away.

Well there's another fine kick in the groin. I used to believe Branch Rickie's famous saying, "Luck is the residue of design," but too much of what happens to some people just comes out of the blue. Justice is not a natural phenomenon, is it?

Keep pushing against it Brian. Easy to say; hard to do, but when it comes down to it, that's all there is in a situation such as this, it's all you can do. I've done a good bit of that too, so if it's any comfort, I know it works. In the end, in the ultimate judgment, that's all that counts. No matter what else happens, you can respect yourself for pushing on against the odds.

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Clarke link
5/3/2015 01:20:36 pm

Hi there Brian, we have never met, but as a fan of all things paddling, and what I have read about your contributions, I consider you an ambassador to why I love the water and the people on it. Stay positive, as you said you are, and think of the best times on the water each night, and when you wake up, seize opportunities for more. Here is to a complete stranger being inspired by you.

Clarke,
San Diego

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Dave C
5/3/2015 10:42:05 pm

It's because of you Brian.
You lit the flame for my interest in SOF kayaks and now I can't extinguish it. I'm obsessed.
Aham Brahmasmi

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jarm
5/5/2015 02:00:51 pm

I've been following you since you started blogging. I've seen your ups and downs and know that you will do what you need to, to get back to good health. Many people, once they get a diagnosis, heal when they have the right attitude. I wish you the best and hope you a speedy recovery. When you get better, you can count on me taking a course or buying a kit (if you go that route).

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Beth
5/7/2015 03:50:27 pm

Hello Brian,

Good to read you got the diagnosis. Something to work on than still searching for a diagnosis. I truly admire your knowledge, your craftsmanship and your nomadic spirit .

I will be waiting to hear your life journey/projects. Hope that your dream of starting a self sustainable farm with teaching space will be a reality soon.

Meanwhile take care of your health and spirit. I am from India and came here as a new bride to live in this country so far away from my home, two decades back and still having my whole heart residing permanently in my native town in the house I grew up. So I know you will be back to Oregon soon.

With Prayful wishes for your new adventurous journey. May god be with you.

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Robert
5/31/2015 12:33:21 pm

Sorry to hear of your current misfortunes. You'll find a way, and perhaps another work space can be found. Then I'll finally be able to enroll in a class to build a kayak with my son.

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Gary Stark
6/1/2015 03:42:26 am

First of all, I have to tell you how inspiring you have been to me. You live a life that I strive to accomplish. I've never contacted you before, but have always wanted to learn more about kayak building, and off grid living. If you need a change of scenery, and want to build kayaks in San Clemente, let's talk. Either way, I will ask a few alternative doctors regarding your sitch. Happy Monday to ya. Gary

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Paul
6/2/2015 06:01:53 am

Hi Brian,

I've wanted to take your class for several years but have not been in a position to be able to. I'm so sorry for your misfortunes. I happen to work with some doctors and asked them about your condition and they said that if you are diabetic your condition can be relatively common and management usually involves getting the diabetes under control and managing the symptoms. However, if you are not diabetic, it's a much rarer diagnosis. You already probably know this but wanted to throw out some advice if I could.

Paul

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Gretchen
7/10/2015 02:13:53 am

Master Hong Liu may be able to help you. See www.qimaster.com. I know that he is in California, but travels all over. He can see energy blockages and can let you know the source of your health challenges. Can reverse or tell you truthfully your situation.

Wishing you the best and much improved health and life.

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Chris
7/26/2015 10:34:14 pm

Very inspiring write- as always. Thanks for sharing and enabling us to be a part of the journey. The picture collage is amazing....

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Leslie
8/5/2015 04:49:32 pm

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. I don't know exactly what your symptoms are/were but I wanted to relate that I was waking up from a dead sleep with what felt like panic attacks constantly, despite not having standard anxiety. Dizziness, flushing, sweating, anaphalactic type reactions seemingly out of nowhere. I had my blood drawn and my B12 was really low. I also had symptoms of B1 deficiency. These combined, caused a sulfite intolerance (sulfites are in wine but also onion, black tea, grapes, etc etc) that cause the "anxiety" symptoms. Six months of heavy vitamin therapy from my doctor and it's like it never happened. I am staying away from sulfites probably for the rest of my life-- when I accidentally get some it's still very unpleasant. Took me a lot of different doctors to sort it out. Wish you all the best, your work is great.

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    Brian Schulz

    An avid paddler, builder, and teacher, I'm passionate about sharing the strength, lightweight, and beauty of skin-on-frame boat building.

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